Valentine’s Day is a week from today, so be prepared (don’t say I didn’t warn you). Whether you’re planning a big night out, or aren’t expecting to spend it with anyone, you should take this time to gain from other’s misfortune. Here are 5 Valentine’s Day horror stories to make your big day all that much better.

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The Swollen Member

Nikki’s boyfriend was able to get his hands on a friend’s swank New York apartment for Valentine’s Day. They enjoyed a lovely dinner and got down to business quickly, rolling around on the floor, tearing each other’s clothes off.

Apparently, his friends had cats and Nikki was terribly allergic. She started sneezing and tearing up, but she ignored her symptoms to continue with her steamy romp. Disaster struck when her parts were exposed to cat hair and immediately started to swell closed. So much for some Valentine’s Day fun.

Mistaken Identity?

A few years back, Wendy attended a Valentine’s Day party with her very hot date and was having a great time in a velvet-swathed champagne lounge. Her date moseyed away for a minute to grab new flutes of champagne, and left Wendy in the corner while he worked the room. She distracted herself by chatting with some of her other friends, but spotted her date out of the corner of her eye kissing another woman. She was a bit confused because he’d just asked her out on a second date, but here he was sucking some other girl’s face!

Wendy walked over, took her drink from his hand and finished it in one gulp. He continued to kiss the girl who wasn’t his date, completely ignoring Wendy.

She left the party, defeated. There weren’t any cabs available because of the Valentine’s Day rush, but luckily an empty white limo gave her a ride home for free, out of sympathy.

Salmonella Attacks

Amber’s boyfriend wanted to cook her a romantic dinner for Valentine’s Day, so he went through all the trouble of finding a recipe, shopping and cooking for her at his apartment. He cooked her a tasty dinner of stuffed chicken with plenty of cheese and vegetables.

After dinner, Amber’s boyfriend complained of feeling ill, and she spent the rest of the night — and the next day — cleaning up his puke. Apparently he hadn’t washed his hands after cooking the chicken.

Elementary Love

Randi asked Paul to be her Valentine, and he gladly accepted. We planned to exchange gifts on the playground for Valentine’s Day in front of all the single elementary students to see. She dressed up in her best pink cardigan, skirt and plastic-y high heels and stuffed her backpack with a box of chocolates and a card for Paul.

Randi’s plans were dashed when Amanda ran over to tell her that Paul was holding hands with Mindy! Paul was Randi’s Valentine, but Mindy was Paul’s Valentine — Randi wasn’t anyone’s Valentine. So, she sat alone on the swing set and ate the entire box of chocolates.

A Really Bad Day

It was 1998 and Rob had been happy married for 11 years — so he didn’t see any of this coming.

Him and his wife had big plans for Valentine’s Day, going out to dinner and a fun night out. Rob was going over the money and discovered that thousands of dollars were missing. When he asked his wife about it she didn’t seem worried and wanted to just figure it out the next day. Rob felt that was out of character for her, so he pressed the issue.

She broke down and told Rob that she was leaving him and that she’d used the money to set up her new life elsewhere. She admitted that she was waiting to tell him anything until they had gone out on their fancy date. His wife left that night and he was devastated. Some Valentine’s Day.